On Being Alone at this Time

I love spending time with my ridiculous self. I always have. Indeed, the activities I obtain great energy from, walking, writing, absorbing culture and so on, often require solitude.  At the same time, I get so much joy from the people that I love. And from meeting marvellous new people. I may be an introvert, but my ideal social balance is to be nourished by me-time and people-time.

For such an anxiety-prone individual, I have largely absorbed the veracity of it all with calm. This is not to say that I do not have immense empathy for those that have suffered as a result of it. I am constantly thinking of the people who have lost their lives, had their livelihoods endangered, and their mental health compromised. And I count myself fortunate in that my mental and physical health is generally intact, and that I still have my job as a support worker. I have also tried not to ruminate too deeply on the situation; I know full well that this will lead to a crushing despair.

Despite this, there have been days of great internal turmoil. I am very worried about my parents, who are at risk due to age and health. I have no idea when I will see them again.  I have read stories of those who have lost loved ones without seeing them for over a month. This is terrifying. I have also had days when I feel desperately alone. I live by myself, and haven’t physically seen a loved one over a month. Like many others, I have been overwhelmed by the fact that I do not know how long this damned thing is going to go on for. As a person of a sensitive disposition, I crave physical proximity to those who care for me.

I try to have a positive view of life. For example, there are technologies that we are fortunate to have in order to keep us in touch with our beloved. There are great books, great music. There’s wine! I have also tried to distract myself, as always, with writing. This, to some degree, has helped.

This pandemic has, to me, shown the true nature of existence. That nothing is truly certain, and that life can present us with appalling situations. From this I have taken a great sense of gratitude. For my friends and family, for the freedom of choice as to where we can spend our time, and also for life in general. It has encouraged me to tell the people I love that I love them more often. You just never know when things are going to end.

For anyone who reads this and finds this a relatable post: if you would like to talk I am here, please do not hesitate to talk.